IS THIS
REALLY THE TIME?
CHARACTERS
DICK:
Muscular. JANE’s boyfriend.
JANE:
Pretty. DICK’s girlfriend.
TOM: Scrawny.
Wears a fedora. Single.
HARRY:
Sane.
Setting: An abandoned cabin. There is an entrance STAGE LEFT, and a few
dusty windows. There is a doorway STAGE
RIGHT that leads to the rest of the house.
A large couch sits CENTERSTAGE.
Throughout the scene, the sounds of ZOMBIES, KILLERS, and BEES slowly
increases until it is almost too loud to bear.
DICK, JANE, TOM and HARRY ENTER STAGE RIGHT. HARRY SLAMS the door shut behind them as
everyone tries to catch their breath.
DICK:
Ho. Ly.
SHIT!!!
JANE:
Zombies, killer maniacs, plague,
swarms of Africanized killer bees. This
is insane, how is this happening?!
TOM:
It’s like someone grabbed the “Apocalypse”
dial and turned it up to 11!
HARRY:
Well, this abandoned cabin is the
best hiding place we have for now. We
should board up the doors and windows and hope we have enough to survive on
until…whatever’s going on stops going on.
TOM:
Harry’s right, we need to figure
out what we have available, and ration it out.
HARRY:
Okay, you guys look through the
house for food and water. I’ll start
grabbing some furniture to barricade the doors with.
TOM:
Dick, see if there’s a basement
entrance. Sometimes little cabins like
this have a small generator. I’ll look
and see if I can find any tools. Jane,
go through the kitchen and see what you can find.
DICK:
Wait, what about our
families?! Our loved ones are out there
somewhere, and you guys just wanna hunker down and leave them?!
JANE:
Hun, we can’t do anything for them now. Our best bet is to stay alive until things
blow over and hope that they did the same.
DICK:
That’s easy for you to say! You hate my family!
JANE:
Oh, God, not this again! Just because I want to spend Thanksgiving
with my family doesn’t mean I hate yours!
Jesus, it’s not like we’re married!
DICK:
And when we are?! Are you still gonna find any excuse not to
visit with my mom?
JANE:
Well, considering that there’s a
very good chance your mother is a zombie, now…
HARRY ENTERS RIGHT, PUSHING a
bookshelf across the floor to the door.
JANE and DICK begin yelling over the noise.
DICK: (YELLING)
Oh, sure! Rub it in!
I bet you’re just loving this!
Now you don’t have to make up dead relatives!
JANE:
I never made up any dead relatives!
DICK:
“Uncle Scooter”?! I’m not retarded, you know!
JANE:
That was my nickname for my Uncle Scott! He rode a moped because he never got his
license. And he really did die!
HARRY PUSHES the bookshelf up
against the cabin door and LEANS against it.
HARRY:
Ummm…what’s going on?
A powerful force SLAMS against
the door, causing HARRY to BOUNCE forward.
HARRY:
Actually, never mind. I don’t care.
HARRY EXITS RIGHT, looking for more
furniture.
TOM:
Guys, please! We really don’t have time for this! Dick, stop being a…well, a dick! Her uncle really did die, and no one’s saying
anything against your mother.
DICK:
I knew you were going to take her side! You only back her because you wanna get into
her pants!
TOM:
No, I don’t!
DICK:
Oh, please!
I bet you’ve fucked on every piece of furniture I own!
JANE:
Could you please stop accusing every guy I
talk to of wanting to bang me?! It gets
really annoying after a while!
DICK:
I only do it because you really did cheat on
me!
JANE:
One time! And I apologized over and over and told you
that if you wanted to leave, you were more than welcome to! You said you wanted to put it behind us, but
you bring it up every time we have an argument!
HARRY ENTERS RIGHT and CROSSES
LEFT, carrying a shelf. He sets it
against a window and HAMMERS it into place.
DICK:
Because every time we argue, it’s
because I find texts on your phone from other guys! Who the hell is John, anyway?!
JANE:
He’s the guy I work with! He wanted me to cover one of his shifts! You know, if you would put some goddamn
effort into our relationship, you wouldn’t feel so self-conscious all the
fucking time!
DICK:
I put plenty of effort into our
relationship! That’s why I don’t cheat
on you!
JANE:
You didn’t get me anything for our anniversary! Jesus, after four years of putting up with
your lazy ass, I feel I can at least expect a card!
HARRY finishes with the shelf and
TURNS to watch DICK and JANE.
DICK:
Well, whaddya get the girl who
has everything?! I mean, you already
have most of my paycheck and an apartment I signed the lease on!
JANE:
I make just as much money as you, you
insensitive asswipe! And we agreed that
I would pay the utilities, and you would pay the rent!
HARRY:
GUYS! There are maniac killers, zombies, and killer
bees trying to get in here! Is this
really the time for this conversation?!
DICK:
Stay out of this, Harry!
TOM:
Guys, please! We have, like, every apocalyptic scenario ever
imagined right outside of our door, and you wanna play “Couple’s Therapy”?!
DICK:
Shut up, Tom!
This has nothing to do with you!
So go back to your LiveJournal page and whine about how women always
date assholes like me, instead of “nice guy” dickheads like you!
TOM:
I wouldn’t complain about it all the time if
it weren’t true! Assholes like you
always end up with all the girls, and then you treat them like shit!
DICK:
At least I don’t put Jane on some
massive fucking pedestal and act like she shits rainbows! And then when I find out she’s human like
everyone else, I don’t brand her a whore and run off to find my next woman to
idolize!
JANE:
Oh, for God’s sake, can we all just shut up
and deal with the end of the world like fucking adults?!
HARRY:
Thank you! Now, would someone please look for-
DICK:
I am acting like an adult! That’s why I don’t follow a couple around
like a lost puppy dog!
TOM:
What’re you trying to say, Dick?
DICK:
I’m saying that you need to learn
to take a hint! You’re such a third
wheel, you belong on a goddamn tricycle!
JANE:
Don’t you talk to him like that!
TOM:
Yeah!
HARRY:
Wait, what does that make me?
DICK:
I’ll talk to a cock-block however
I want! He does whatever he can to come
between us, and I’m sick of it! He’s
trying to ruin our relationship!
JANE:
Well, the way you’ve been acting
lately, you certainly don’t need any third party to take care of that.
DICK:
Exactly! …Wait…
HARRY CROSSES RIGHT
HARRY:
Oh my God, this is my apocalypse
team…
HARRY EXITS RIGHT
JANE:
God, you’re such a dumbass! Sometimes I wonder why I put up with you!
DICK:
ME?! I put up with you, you materialistic bitch!
TOM:
You’ve been in undergrad for
seven years, and you’re calling her the anchor in this relationship?!
DICK:
This is none of your business,
Tom! Shut the hell up before I come over
there and shut you up!
TOM:
Nice threat, knucklehead, you
come up with that while you were sitting in your cave, or while you were
hitting last night’s dinner over the head with your club?
DICK CROSSES to TOM
DICK:
That’s it! I’ve had enough of your clingy ass, you
little piece of shit!
JANE:
Dick, stop it!
DICK:
I’m tired of you two always ganging up on
me! Our relationship is no one’s
business but ours!
TOM:
Yeah, real nice, Dick! Go ahead and isolate her from her
friends! Wonder how long it’ll take
until you start beating her?
JANE:
Tom, stop that! Dick has never laid a hand on me!
TOM:
Not yet. But how long do you think that’ll last? My money says he’ll turn into a complete
Neanderthal because he can’t handle this kind of stress!
DICK:
I can’t handle stress?! You cried during our statistics midterm!
TOM:
There was a word problem about
chocolate sales, and my father had just died from diabetes! Sweets are a huge emotional trigger for me!
HARRY ENTERS RIGHT with a few
boxes of Thin-Mints
HARRY:
Hey guys! I found, like, a whole case of Girl Scout
cookies in the basement!
TOM WAILS uncontrollably
HARRY:
Well, I’m sorry, but Thin Mints
was all I could find…
DICK:
See?! Tom’s nothing but a frail little bitch! You could never be man enough for Jane,
that’s why she picked me!
HARRY:
Actually, I think there were a
few boxes of Chocodiles…
JANE:
Wait, when did this turn into a
pissing contest?
HARRY:
Oh, we’re still on this? Okay, then…
HARRY EXITS RIGHT
DICK:
It turned into a pissing contest
because that’s what always happens when Tom tries to push himself into our
problems! He only does it because he
wants to impress you so that you’ll suck him off!
TOM:
That’s not true!
DICK:
Yeah, right! Your balls are so
blue, you’re in danger of losing them to frostbite!
TOM:
Shut the fuck up, you wanna-be
Mercutio! I’ve had enough of watching
you push everyone around like you’re some kinda master of the world!
TOM PUSHES DICK UPSTAGE, both of
them fall behind the couch, the sounds of fighting are heard.
JANE:
Stop it, both of you!
STRUGGLES continue. Five GUNSHOTS are heard. JANE SCREAMS.
HARRY ENTERS RIGHT.
HARRY:
What happened?! I heard gunshots!
AN: Aaaaaaaand I stopped there because I don't know which one of the two to kill. I've got an ending in mind for either one, but I don't know which one to go with. Thoughts? Anyone? Bueller?
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