Known Actors in Unknown Movies: Vince Vaughn, Vincent D'Onofrio, and Jennifer Lopez in "The Cell"

Hello, friends!

I've decided to take some time off of beating life on God mode to bring you another unknown movie starring a known actor!  In this case, I have a special treat: THREE known actors!  Today, we have the trio of Vince Vaughn, Vincent D'Onofrio, and Jennifer Lopez; three actors who starred in the not-at-all-celebrated "thriller" movie: The Cell.

This cover causes me real physical pain.

So, I'm going to come right out (haha) and say that I do not like this movie.  From a designer's standpoint, I can appreciate the costume and scenic designs...

For example: I do like the "Sassy Gay Batman" thing they got going here.

But any points the movie gains from the overall aesthetics are COMPLETELY over-shadowed by how badly the director, Indian-born Tarsem Singh, wants to shove the symbolism down my throat like I'm auditioning for a remake of Deep Throat.

I apologize for that mental image, here's a picture of a kitten.

Normally, I would take the time to talk about the actor(s) that you know, but I feel everyone knows these three enough that I don't need to go into too much detail.  However, I will fill you guys in on what was going on for them at the time, because I'm genuinely hoping that every actor in this movie was in such dire straights that they would literally take any role offered to them

Lopez's last film before this one was two years ago, when she voice acted in the movie Antz, which everyone talked about, but no one actually saw.  In four years, she would star next to Richard Gere in Shall We Dance, which I won't lie, I actually enjoyed as a movie.  In all fairness, Lopez's claim to fame is not really her acting, but her music and producing.  And she was still "hip" enough that there was really no reason for her to do this movie, so that means this movie counts as a fail for J-Lo.

I don't know what this is from, but I like it.

Now, Vaughn did not have as many "big" roles before this movie.  He did, however, get an episode in "Sex and the City" the same year that this movie came out.  Still, he was a few years away from Dodgeball, The Break Up, and Wedding Crashers.  Normally, this would be enough evidence for me to say that he was probably still kinda fishing around for good roles...BUT he did play as Norman Bates in the horrifyingly bad 1998 remake of Psycho, so...

This seriously might become my new thing.

Finally, D'Onofrio had been enjoying comfortable success before this movie.  He was in an episode of "Miami Vice", he played the bug alien in Men in Black, and we cannot forget his awesome performance in Full Metal Jacket, which I feel was the real defining moment in his career.

Fuck Slenderman, THIS is the face that haunts my nightmares...

And when I say "defining moment", I basically mean that directors noticed how well he could play crazy, so they kept casting him as the crazy guy.  So, I guess that it makes sense to get him to play the homicidal maniac with "inner demons", but I really feel like he was too good for this movie.  He was my favorite actor in the movie, but he really shouldn't have bothered with this heap of garbage.  I'm not judging, I'm just horribly disappointed.

Okay, getting to the movie, Lopez plays as some sort of psychotherapist who routinely goes into peoples' minds to try and fix their mental problems.  Because God knows that if I'm experiencing deep psychological issues, the first thing that I want is a complete stranger to have full access to my mind, memories and emotions.  That's clearly the best way to rehabilitate a psycho.  And when treating paranoid schizophrenics, she puts cameras all over their house with little signs that say "Big J-Lo is always watching", and occasionally she whispers to them through little speakers that she has implanted in their ears.

Vaughn plays a world-weary cop who's obsessed with capturing D'Onofrio, who plays a homicidal maniac that loves to kidnap women and slowly kill them.  No, this is not a cheap rip-off of the plot of Silence of the Lambs.  It is a very expensive knock-off.  Vaughn finally closes in on the killer, and that fact alone should be enough to destroy your ability to sustain your disbelief for the rest of this movie.  Seriously, I'm expected to believe that this guy...

...is the guy I want to trust to find my kidnapped sister/daughter/self before she dies a horrible death?  I'd have better luck standing on my roof with a flashlight flashing "SOS - HELP ME BATMAN" than trusting this guy.

Anyway, Vaughn catches up to Pyle (I'm calling him that because I'm too lazy to keep typing D'Onofrio), and Pyle has some kind of psychotic break that puts him into a coma.  You may have heard of this affliction, it's called "Plot Device Syndrome", and it affects Disney and Lifetime Movie parents everywhere.  Notable victims of this horrible disease include Mufasa, Bambi's mother, and Thomas and Martha Wayne.  Fuck Juvenile Diabeetus, this is the kind of disease Mary Tyler Moore needs to be raising money for.

So, Pyle is K.O.'d harder than the time Sgt. Hartman smacked the shit outta him during rifle drill, and it's up to J-Lo to enter his mind in order to find his recently-kidnapped victim before she dies.  The fact that this movie plot got the green light is proof that "CSI" was not yet a thing.  If it was, Pyle's secret hideout would've been found by analyzing the stomach contents of the inchworm found in the shit caked to his boot.  It was a dark time for Hollywood mysteries.

So J-Lo enters the Lametrix and the audience is brutally bombarded with over-the-top symbolism as she explores the deep recesses of the mind of Gomer Pyle.

Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.

One thing leads to another, and J-Lo becomes trapped in Pyle's mind after an evil demon version of him puts a collar on her.  Vaughn must then enter the Lametrix and try to free her.  He does so by screaming her name at her, and sees a symbol that he already saw FIFTEEN MINUTES INTO THE GODDAMN MOVIE, and concludes that the symbol is the key to finding Pyle's hideout.  I did not make a single word of that up.  Words cannot describe the physical pain that watching this movie put me through, but I did it anyway because that's how much I care about you, my one fan.

This is a picture of the movie physically eating my brain.  You'll hear from my lawyer.

Vaughn runs off to save that chick...to be honest I have no clue what her name was or what she looked like.  And J-Lo decides that now's the best time to live out her "consequence-free homicide" fantasy, and she pulls Pyle into her mind in order to kill him.  I wish to remind you all that this killer is now in police custody and will no doubt be found guilty in a trial that will bring closure to the living victim as well as families of the deceased victims.  But SCREW THAT NOISE!  We're just gonna kill the guy who's pretty much completely helpless to defend himself outside of his own mind!  "Due process"?  BAH!

J-Lo kills the shit out of Pyle, to the relief of young girls and mean drill instructors everywhere, and she faces absolutely no consequences for what was essentially the pre-meditated murder of an apprehended suspect.  Again, this is the chick that's being given free reign to rummage around in your mind.

"Um, Honey?  Don't you think this might...exacerbate Junior's bed-wetting problem?"

So, there are no repercussions from J-Lo MURDERING someone who was in police custody, Vaughn saves the girl, and everyone lives happily ever after...except for the guy who J-Lo just murdered the shit out of in a situation that did not look a THING like self-defense.  And that's The Cell!  ...I did not care for it at all.

The movie has some good visual designs, but they're too obvious in trying to convey symbolism.  Pyle is pretty much the best actor, mostly because playing crazy is his calling in life.  J-Lo just cannot sell herself in this role because she's too pitiful and there's no way we can believe that she's a brilliant psychotherapist.  An actress with a bit more muscle who's no stranger to playing "smart roles", like Lucy Liu or Sarah Jessica Parker, would've been a far better choice.  In fact, here's my list of women who could have played this role with way more dignity than J-Lo.

Lucy Liu

Sarah Jessica Parker

Kate Beckinsale

Lucy Lawless

Milla Jovovich

Rhona Mitra

Emily Blunt

Uma Thurman

Daryl Hannah

Ziyi Zhang

Scarlett Johansson

Renee O'Connor

I could go on, but I think I'll stop there.  Also, that script needed a rewrite like Chris Brown needs a shock collar, because J-Lo's character was just so..."useless" is really not a strong enough word.  In my opinion, the Vince Vaughn character should have been cut and this movie should have been all about the mental battle between the killer and the psychotherapist.  Make the therapist the one obsessed with finding the victim, and have her spend the movie entering his mind and fighting the different reincarnations of him in order to find the clues that will lead her to the victim's location.  While not in his mind, she studies up on his past in order to better understand his state of mind...so that she can better fight and eventually kill him!  This time, in self-defense.  I would have watched that movie.

And I know that I should have put some kind of "Spoiler Alert" at the beginning of this article, but I really don't want you to watch this movie.  It's just...bad.  And the saddest part is that it has a really interesting premise: what if we could go into the mind of a serial killer?  The saddest part of a bad movie like this one is not the acting, writing, or directing; it's the knowledge that it had the potential to be something awesome and fun, and stupid directors and writers completely sapped all of the life out of it.

Now, how'd that get there?