Because Horror Cliches Suck...

AN: So, I had this interesting thought while watching a Sci-Fi channel movie about how people always seem to want to have those big heart-to-heart conversations when something that wants them dead is almost literally right behind them.  I've always thought that was a weak, ham-fisted attempt at character development, so I decided to write a short play making fun of that particular horror trope.  It's not finished yet because...well, you'll see!  My formatting is pretty rusty, so just ignore it for now.  Enjoy!

IS THIS REALLY THE TIME?

CHARACTERS

DICK:  Muscular.  JANE’s boyfriend.

JANE:  Pretty.  DICK’s girlfriend.

TOM:  Scrawny.  Wears a fedora.  Single.

HARRY:  Sane.

Setting: An abandoned cabin.  There is an entrance STAGE LEFT, and a few dusty windows.  There is a doorway STAGE RIGHT that leads to the rest of the house.  A large couch sits CENTERSTAGE.  Throughout the scene, the sounds of ZOMBIES, KILLERS, and BEES slowly increases until it is almost too loud to bear.

DICK, JANE, TOM and HARRY ENTER STAGE RIGHT.  HARRY SLAMS the door shut behind them as everyone tries to catch their breath.

DICK:

Ho.  Ly.  SHIT!!!

JANE:

Zombies, killer maniacs, plague, swarms of Africanized killer bees.  This is insane, how is this happening?!

TOM:

 It’s like someone grabbed the “Apocalypse” dial and turned it up to 11!

HARRY:

Well, this abandoned cabin is the best hiding place we have for now.  We should board up the doors and windows and hope we have enough to survive on until…whatever’s going on stops going on.

TOM:

Harry’s right, we need to figure out what we have available, and ration it out.

HARRY:

Okay, you guys look through the house for food and water.  I’ll start grabbing some furniture to barricade the doors with.

TOM:

Dick, see if there’s a basement entrance.  Sometimes little cabins like this have a small generator.  I’ll look and see if I can find any tools.  Jane, go through the kitchen and see what you can find.

DICK:

Wait, what about our families?!  Our loved ones are out there somewhere, and you guys just wanna hunker down and leave them?!

JANE:

 Hun, we can’t do anything for them now.  Our best bet is to stay alive until things blow over and hope that they did the same.

DICK:

That’s easy for you to say!  You hate my family!

JANE:

Oh, God, not this again!  Just because I want to spend Thanksgiving with my family doesn’t mean I hate yours!  Jesus, it’s not like we’re married!

DICK:

And when we are?!  Are you still gonna find any excuse not to visit with my mom?

JANE:

Well, considering that there’s a very good chance your mother is a zombie, now…

HARRY ENTERS RIGHT, PUSHING a bookshelf across the floor to the door.  JANE and DICK begin yelling over the noise.

DICK: (YELLING)

Oh, sure!  Rub it in!   I bet you’re just loving this!  Now you don’t have to make up dead relatives!

JANE:

 I never made up any dead relatives!

DICK:

“Uncle Scooter”?!  I’m not retarded, you know!

JANE:

 That was my nickname for my Uncle Scott!  He rode a moped because he never got his license.  And he really did die!

HARRY PUSHES the bookshelf up against the cabin door and LEANS against it.

HARRY:

Ummm…what’s going on?

A powerful force SLAMS against the door, causing HARRY to BOUNCE forward.

HARRY:

Actually, never mind.  I don’t care.

HARRY EXITS RIGHT, looking for more furniture.

TOM:

Guys, please!  We really don’t have time for this!  Dick, stop being a…well, a dick!  Her uncle really did die, and no one’s saying anything against your mother.

DICK:

 I knew you were going to take her side!  You only back her because you wanna get into her pants!

TOM:

No, I don’t!

DICK:

 Oh, please!  I bet you’ve fucked on every piece of furniture I own!

JANE:

 Could you please stop accusing every guy I talk to of wanting to bang me?!  It gets really annoying after a while!

DICK:

 I only do it because you really did cheat on me!

JANE:

One time!  And I apologized over and over and told you that if you wanted to leave, you were more than welcome to!  You said you wanted to put it behind us, but you bring it up every time we have an argument!

HARRY ENTERS RIGHT and CROSSES LEFT, carrying a shelf.  He sets it against a window and HAMMERS it into place.

DICK:

Because every time we argue, it’s because I find texts on your phone from other guys!  Who the hell is John, anyway?!

JANE:

 He’s the guy I work with!  He wanted me to cover one of his shifts!  You know, if you would put some goddamn effort into our relationship, you wouldn’t feel so self-conscious all the fucking time!

DICK:

I put plenty of effort into our relationship!  That’s why I don’t cheat on you! 

JANE:

 You didn’t get me anything for our anniversary!  Jesus, after four years of putting up with your lazy ass, I feel I can at least expect a card!

HARRY finishes with the shelf and TURNS to watch DICK and JANE.

DICK:

Well, whaddya get the girl who has everything?!  I mean, you already have most of my paycheck and an apartment I signed the lease on!

JANE:

 I make just as much money as you, you insensitive asswipe!  And we agreed that I would pay the utilities, and you would pay the rent!

HARRY:

GUYS!  There are maniac killers, zombies, and killer bees trying to get in here!  Is this really the time for this conversation?!

DICK:

Stay out of this, Harry!

TOM:

Guys, please!  We have, like, every apocalyptic scenario ever imagined right outside of our door, and you wanna play “Couple’s Therapy”?!

DICK:

 Shut up, Tom!  This has nothing to do with you!  So go back to your LiveJournal page and whine about how women always date assholes like me, instead of “nice guy” dickheads like you!

TOM:

 I wouldn’t complain about it all the time if it weren’t true!  Assholes like you always end up with all the girls, and then you treat them like shit!

DICK:

At least I don’t put Jane on some massive fucking pedestal and act like she shits rainbows!  And then when I find out she’s human like everyone else, I don’t brand her a whore and run off to find my next woman to idolize!

JANE:

 Oh, for God’s sake, can we all just shut up and deal with the end of the world like fucking adults?!

HARRY:

Thank you!  Now, would someone please look for-

DICK:

I am acting like an adult!  That’s why I don’t follow a couple around like a lost puppy dog!

TOM:

 What’re you trying to say, Dick?

DICK:

I’m saying that you need to learn to take a hint!  You’re such a third wheel, you belong on a goddamn tricycle!

JANE:

Don’t you talk to him like that!

TOM:

Yeah!

HARRY:

Wait, what does that make me?

DICK:

I’ll talk to a cock-block however I want!  He does whatever he can to come between us, and I’m sick of it!  He’s trying to ruin our relationship!

JANE:

Well, the way you’ve been acting lately, you certainly don’t need any third party to take care of that.

DICK:

Exactly!  …Wait…

HARRY CROSSES RIGHT

HARRY:

Oh my God, this is my apocalypse team…

HARRY EXITS RIGHT

JANE:

God, you’re such a dumbass!  Sometimes I wonder why I put up with you!

DICK:

ME?!  I put up with you, you materialistic bitch!

TOM:

You’ve been in undergrad for seven years, and you’re calling her the anchor in this relationship?!

DICK:

This is none of your business, Tom!  Shut the hell up before I come over there and shut you up!

TOM:

Nice threat, knucklehead, you come up with that while you were sitting in your cave, or while you were hitting last night’s dinner over the head with your club?

DICK CROSSES to TOM

DICK:

That’s it!  I’ve had enough of your clingy ass, you little piece of shit!

JANE:

Dick, stop it!

DICK:

 I’m tired of you two always ganging up on me!  Our relationship is no one’s business but ours!

TOM:

Yeah, real nice, Dick!  Go ahead and isolate her from her friends!  Wonder how long it’ll take until you start beating her?

JANE:

 Tom, stop that!  Dick has never laid a hand on me!

TOM:

Not yet.  But how long do you think that’ll last?  My money says he’ll turn into a complete Neanderthal because he can’t handle this kind of stress!

DICK:

I can’t handle stress?!  You cried during our statistics midterm!

TOM:

There was a word problem about chocolate sales, and my father had just died from diabetes!  Sweets are a huge emotional trigger for me!

HARRY ENTERS RIGHT with a few boxes of Thin-Mints

HARRY:

Hey guys!  I found, like, a whole case of Girl Scout cookies in the basement!

TOM WAILS uncontrollably

  

HARRY:

Well, I’m sorry, but Thin Mints was all I could find…

DICK:

See?!  Tom’s nothing but a frail little bitch!  You could never be man enough for Jane, that’s why she picked me!

HARRY:

Actually, I think there were a few boxes of Chocodiles…

JANE:

Wait, when did this turn into a pissing contest?

HARRY:

Oh, we’re still on this?  Okay, then…

HARRY EXITS RIGHT

DICK:

It turned into a pissing contest because that’s what always happens when Tom tries to push himself into our problems!  He only does it because he wants to impress you so that you’ll suck him off!

TOM:

That’s not true!

DICK:

Yeah, right! Your balls are so blue, you’re in danger of losing them to frostbite!

TOM:

Shut the fuck up, you wanna-be Mercutio!  I’ve had enough of watching you push everyone around like you’re some kinda master of the world!

TOM PUSHES DICK UPSTAGE, both of them fall behind the couch, the sounds of fighting are heard.

JANE:

Stop it, both of you!

STRUGGLES continue.  Five GUNSHOTS are heard.  JANE SCREAMS.  HARRY ENTERS RIGHT.

HARRY:

What happened?!  I heard gunshots!

Known Actors in Unknown Movies: Vince Vaughn, Vincent D'Onofrio, and Jennifer Lopez in "The Cell"

Hello, friends!

I've decided to take some time off of beating life on God mode to bring you another unknown movie starring a known actor!  In this case, I have a special treat: THREE known actors!  Today, we have the trio of Vince Vaughn, Vincent D'Onofrio, and Jennifer Lopez; three actors who starred in the not-at-all-celebrated "thriller" movie: The Cell.

This cover causes me real physical pain.

So, I'm going to come right out (haha) and say that I do not like this movie.  From a designer's standpoint, I can appreciate the costume and scenic designs...

For example: I do like the "Sassy Gay Batman" thing they got going here.

But any points the movie gains from the overall aesthetics are COMPLETELY over-shadowed by how badly the director, Indian-born Tarsem Singh, wants to shove the symbolism down my throat like I'm auditioning for a remake of Deep Throat.

I apologize for that mental image, here's a picture of a kitten.

Normally, I would take the time to talk about the actor(s) that you know, but I feel everyone knows these three enough that I don't need to go into too much detail.  However, I will fill you guys in on what was going on for them at the time, because I'm genuinely hoping that every actor in this movie was in such dire straights that they would literally take any role offered to them

Lopez's last film before this one was two years ago, when she voice acted in the movie Antz, which everyone talked about, but no one actually saw.  In four years, she would star next to Richard Gere in Shall We Dance, which I won't lie, I actually enjoyed as a movie.  In all fairness, Lopez's claim to fame is not really her acting, but her music and producing.  And she was still "hip" enough that there was really no reason for her to do this movie, so that means this movie counts as a fail for J-Lo.

I don't know what this is from, but I like it.

Now, Vaughn did not have as many "big" roles before this movie.  He did, however, get an episode in "Sex and the City" the same year that this movie came out.  Still, he was a few years away from Dodgeball, The Break Up, and Wedding Crashers.  Normally, this would be enough evidence for me to say that he was probably still kinda fishing around for good roles...BUT he did play as Norman Bates in the horrifyingly bad 1998 remake of Psycho, so...

This seriously might become my new thing.

Finally, D'Onofrio had been enjoying comfortable success before this movie.  He was in an episode of "Miami Vice", he played the bug alien in Men in Black, and we cannot forget his awesome performance in Full Metal Jacket, which I feel was the real defining moment in his career.

Fuck Slenderman, THIS is the face that haunts my nightmares...

And when I say "defining moment", I basically mean that directors noticed how well he could play crazy, so they kept casting him as the crazy guy.  So, I guess that it makes sense to get him to play the homicidal maniac with "inner demons", but I really feel like he was too good for this movie.  He was my favorite actor in the movie, but he really shouldn't have bothered with this heap of garbage.  I'm not judging, I'm just horribly disappointed.

Okay, getting to the movie, Lopez plays as some sort of psychotherapist who routinely goes into peoples' minds to try and fix their mental problems.  Because God knows that if I'm experiencing deep psychological issues, the first thing that I want is a complete stranger to have full access to my mind, memories and emotions.  That's clearly the best way to rehabilitate a psycho.  And when treating paranoid schizophrenics, she puts cameras all over their house with little signs that say "Big J-Lo is always watching", and occasionally she whispers to them through little speakers that she has implanted in their ears.

Vaughn plays a world-weary cop who's obsessed with capturing D'Onofrio, who plays a homicidal maniac that loves to kidnap women and slowly kill them.  No, this is not a cheap rip-off of the plot of Silence of the Lambs.  It is a very expensive knock-off.  Vaughn finally closes in on the killer, and that fact alone should be enough to destroy your ability to sustain your disbelief for the rest of this movie.  Seriously, I'm expected to believe that this guy...

...is the guy I want to trust to find my kidnapped sister/daughter/self before she dies a horrible death?  I'd have better luck standing on my roof with a flashlight flashing "SOS - HELP ME BATMAN" than trusting this guy.

Anyway, Vaughn catches up to Pyle (I'm calling him that because I'm too lazy to keep typing D'Onofrio), and Pyle has some kind of psychotic break that puts him into a coma.  You may have heard of this affliction, it's called "Plot Device Syndrome", and it affects Disney and Lifetime Movie parents everywhere.  Notable victims of this horrible disease include Mufasa, Bambi's mother, and Thomas and Martha Wayne.  Fuck Juvenile Diabeetus, this is the kind of disease Mary Tyler Moore needs to be raising money for.

So, Pyle is K.O.'d harder than the time Sgt. Hartman smacked the shit outta him during rifle drill, and it's up to J-Lo to enter his mind in order to find his recently-kidnapped victim before she dies.  The fact that this movie plot got the green light is proof that "CSI" was not yet a thing.  If it was, Pyle's secret hideout would've been found by analyzing the stomach contents of the inchworm found in the shit caked to his boot.  It was a dark time for Hollywood mysteries.

So J-Lo enters the Lametrix and the audience is brutally bombarded with over-the-top symbolism as she explores the deep recesses of the mind of Gomer Pyle.

Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.

One thing leads to another, and J-Lo becomes trapped in Pyle's mind after an evil demon version of him puts a collar on her.  Vaughn must then enter the Lametrix and try to free her.  He does so by screaming her name at her, and sees a symbol that he already saw FIFTEEN MINUTES INTO THE GODDAMN MOVIE, and concludes that the symbol is the key to finding Pyle's hideout.  I did not make a single word of that up.  Words cannot describe the physical pain that watching this movie put me through, but I did it anyway because that's how much I care about you, my one fan.

This is a picture of the movie physically eating my brain.  You'll hear from my lawyer.

Vaughn runs off to save that chick...to be honest I have no clue what her name was or what she looked like.  And J-Lo decides that now's the best time to live out her "consequence-free homicide" fantasy, and she pulls Pyle into her mind in order to kill him.  I wish to remind you all that this killer is now in police custody and will no doubt be found guilty in a trial that will bring closure to the living victim as well as families of the deceased victims.  But SCREW THAT NOISE!  We're just gonna kill the guy who's pretty much completely helpless to defend himself outside of his own mind!  "Due process"?  BAH!

J-Lo kills the shit out of Pyle, to the relief of young girls and mean drill instructors everywhere, and she faces absolutely no consequences for what was essentially the pre-meditated murder of an apprehended suspect.  Again, this is the chick that's being given free reign to rummage around in your mind.

"Um, Honey?  Don't you think this might...exacerbate Junior's bed-wetting problem?"

So, there are no repercussions from J-Lo MURDERING someone who was in police custody, Vaughn saves the girl, and everyone lives happily ever after...except for the guy who J-Lo just murdered the shit out of in a situation that did not look a THING like self-defense.  And that's The Cell!  ...I did not care for it at all.

The movie has some good visual designs, but they're too obvious in trying to convey symbolism.  Pyle is pretty much the best actor, mostly because playing crazy is his calling in life.  J-Lo just cannot sell herself in this role because she's too pitiful and there's no way we can believe that she's a brilliant psychotherapist.  An actress with a bit more muscle who's no stranger to playing "smart roles", like Lucy Liu or Sarah Jessica Parker, would've been a far better choice.  In fact, here's my list of women who could have played this role with way more dignity than J-Lo.

Lucy Liu

Sarah Jessica Parker

Kate Beckinsale

Lucy Lawless

Milla Jovovich

Rhona Mitra

Emily Blunt

Uma Thurman

Daryl Hannah

Ziyi Zhang

Scarlett Johansson

Renee O'Connor

I could go on, but I think I'll stop there.  Also, that script needed a rewrite like Chris Brown needs a shock collar, because J-Lo's character was just so..."useless" is really not a strong enough word.  In my opinion, the Vince Vaughn character should have been cut and this movie should have been all about the mental battle between the killer and the psychotherapist.  Make the therapist the one obsessed with finding the victim, and have her spend the movie entering his mind and fighting the different reincarnations of him in order to find the clues that will lead her to the victim's location.  While not in his mind, she studies up on his past in order to better understand his state of mind...so that she can better fight and eventually kill him!  This time, in self-defense.  I would have watched that movie.

And I know that I should have put some kind of "Spoiler Alert" at the beginning of this article, but I really don't want you to watch this movie.  It's just...bad.  And the saddest part is that it has a really interesting premise: what if we could go into the mind of a serial killer?  The saddest part of a bad movie like this one is not the acting, writing, or directing; it's the knowledge that it had the potential to be something awesome and fun, and stupid directors and writers completely sapped all of the life out of it.

Now, how'd that get there?

Known Actors in Unknown Movies: Nathalie Cox in "Exam"

Ah, actors.

Never has the title of a group of people held so many different meanings as the term, "Hollywood star".  If one wishes to see all the different definitions that come with that title, you'd only have to glance at the gossip magazines that you see in the checkout aisles as you desperately try to ignore the screaming toddler in front of you, demanding a chocolate bar and a Mountain Dew.  Mostly, you see titles talking about "shocking weight loss/gain", "scandalous behavior", and the obligatory "DIVORCE" headline that takes up the majority of the cover.  Indeed, actors are truly a versatile bunch, and we seem to love seeing them in the tabloids as much as we do on the big screen.

But, despite all of the attention that big name actors and actresses seem to get everywhere they go, there seems to always be that "one movie" that they were in that no one seems to remember.  Well, Hollywood, that shiver that just traveled down your back is telling you that not only have I found and seen those movies, but I'm prepared to tell the world about them!  And by "world", I mean my one follower and two or three readers.  This possible-but-not-very-probable "series" is purely for fun, and the chance to talk about some of the little-known movies that I've seen (the hipster that I am).  Despite whatever overall rating I give the movies, I do encourage you to see them if you can.  Just understand that everyone has an opinion, and mine is right.

So, let's get this show on the road and see how long it takes before I get bored with it!  Our first entry comes  from the United Kingdom.  The mystery/thriller short film with an even shorter name: Exam.

Released in the UK and the US in 2009 at various film festivals, Exam is a short (clocking in at 101 minutes) thriller about eight characters applying for a prestigious job at a mysterious and powerful corporation.  The film was directed by Stuart Hazeldine, an English director, writer and producer also known for such films as...um...

...

...

Okay, fine, he's not really known for anything else.  I actually could not find a lot of info on this guy, aside from the fact that he wrote the story that this movie is based on, and he also produced and directed it.  While most would see that as a recipe for disaster, Hazeldine actually succeeds in creating a genuinely interesting story with good overall tension.  But none of that matters, because we're here to talk about actors!  And the notable actress in this particular movie is a blonde bombshell by the name of Nathalie Cox.

Nathalie Cox is a London actress and model, known primarily among the gamer community for voicing the character Juno Eclipse in the game Star Wars: The Force Unleashed and it's sequels.  She also appeared as Artemis in the 2010 remake of Clash of the Titans, whose IMDB rating is only one point lower than Exam, proving that there's just no accounting for taste.  She also appeared in Kingdom of Heaven, How to Lose Friends and Alienate People, and an episode of "The IT Crowd".  She also looks a bit like Jeri Ryan, who I admit to crushing on pretty hard in my younger years watching "Star Trek: Voyager", because I needed something to watch when "Xena: Warrior Princess" wasn't on.  Also, that name spelling is not a typo.

Admittedly, she's not as well-known as actors like Willem Dafoe or David Caruso (both of whom will be getting the spotlight shone on them, if I ever get around to it), but I feel she's known well enough to be counted for this series.  And, to be honest, I just REALLY wanted to talk about this movie.

Exam opens with scenes of eight different applicants carefully dressing and preparing themselves for their "final interview" to see if they will be chosen for a job that each one of them desperately needs, all for different reasons.  They are all led into a room with desks and papers that have each of their designations (Candidate #1, Candidate #2, etc) printed on them.  They all take their seats and are told that the final decision will be made based on an exam that they all will take.  They will be given eighty minutes to answer one question, while adhering to three rules: do not spoil your paper, do not speak to the invigilator (the guy giving the exam) or the guard, and do not leave the room.  The invigilator starts the clock and leaves, and the candidates turn their pages over to find...nothing!

Yes!  The pages are blank!  It's your own worst high-school nightmare come to life!  You know, without the whole "being in your underware" and "getting attacked by Freddy Krueger" parts.  What a twist!  And we haven't even gotten to the good stuff yet!  The movie progresses at an impressively rapid pace as the characters alternate between cooperating to figure out how to "win", and stabbing each other in the back to get ahead.  Plus, the whole movie takes place in this little room, which means that as things get more serious and even dangerous, that little room starts to feel smaller and smaller to both the characters and the audience.  Also, this happens:

And this:

And there's also this:

Pretty high emotions in this movie.  Unfortunately, I can't explain the context behind those pictures because part of what makes this movie good is watching the characters react as the situation changes and tensions rise.  The movie is far from boring, and definitely worth it for anyone who likes to see a psychological thriller done right.  There's no man in a mask with a big knife waiting around the corner, there's no "BOO!" moment to be found, there isn't even much in the way of gore.  Ultimately, I think that's what makes this movie fun to watch: the realization that at the end of the day, these characters aren't "good" or "evil", they're just desperate people who are shoved over the edge.

Overall, I would give this movie an 8-8.3 out of 10.  The plot is creative and succeeds in building some great dramatic tension, though the characters can seem a bit archetypal and cliche'd.  The acting is tight and the directing skillful, but different people will feel differently about the ending.  You'll either see it as an awesome twist to cap off a good movie, or a rushed tying of loose ends depending on your mood and personality.  I will say, though, I LOVE that one of the reviewers of the film called it "The Apprentice goes to hell".  I thought that was a pretty clever and succinct description of this movie.  The movie is streaming on Netflix, so check it out next time you're over there lamenting about the fact that Netflix removed "South Park" and "Avatar: The Last Airbender" from it's streaming line-up.

Seriously, Netflix, I put up with three years of your harassing "come back to me" e-mails, and THIS is how you repay me?!  Fuck you, overly-attached Netflix.  Just...fuck you.