The Rules of Tech Support

I’m going to start this topic by saying that I am not a computer genius. Surprisingly, a lot of people think that I am. I have been known to speed up computers, clean up memories, and leap tall external hard drives in a single bound. Therefore, I have been placed in the category of “The Guy Who’s Good With Computers”, when in reality, I’m just the person who bothers to look up the error messages my computer gives me. Also, my “speeding up” skills mostly amount to knowing where the disk cleanup and defragmenter icons are on my start menu. Regardless of the fact that all of my “repairs” are quite simple and can be done by anyone, I still occasionally get asked to “fix my computer”. Now that I have established the fact that I am not, in fact, a super-genius when it comes to computers, I happen to know a few REAL computer geniuses. I love them very much, and deeply appreciate what they do and their advice when my basic repairs occasionally don’t do the job. Unfortunately, other dimwitted bastards have somehow convinced themselves that TGWGWC and The Guy Who’s REALLY Good With Computers can wave a magic wand and fix everything without any effort from all parties involved. I wish to try and debunk that myth, as actual computer repair can be tedious and frustrating. So, for your education, here’s a list of things you are NOT allowed to do when someone is taking time out of their day to fix your computer.

1.)Answer all questions – when TGWGWC asks you “What were you doing when the problem occurred?” they are NOT accusing you of anything, so please just answer them. They are not going to call the police because you downloaded Bonzi Buddy, they are not going to run you through with a spear because you never clean up your hard drive, they may raise an eyebrow at your porn habits, but as long as it doesn’t involve children, they really don’t care.

"You downloaded Weatherbug? ...YOU BASTARD!!!!!"

Please don’t answer with “I wasn’t doing anything!” just tell the nice computer guy what you were doing, it will make the repair process so much faster.

2.)“Just fix it!” is not an answer – the great thing about TGWGWC is that once they find the problem, they can usually give you handy advice to keep the problem from happening again. Please listen to this advice. If used correctly, it can keep TGWGWC from coming to your house fifteen times to fix the same problem. They don’t have to deal with you, you don’t have to answer the same awkward questions every time, everybody wins! So, when TGWGWC starts to tell you how to avoid the problem in the future, do NOT answer with “Don’t give me the techno mumbo-jumbo, just fix it!” This will make me hate you, and I will stop fixing your computer after the third time.

"THERE!!! I fixed it!!!"

3.)Do NOT remove Spyware, it is there for a reason – if TGWGWC really likes you, or if it’s just the first time they’ve fixed your computer, they may install some form of Spyware on your computer. This is the sweetest thing a computer techie can possibly do, and deleting that Spyware after is like Jim from The Gift of the Magi spitting and stomping on the watch chain Della gave him for Christmas.

"But, honey, it kept me from playing Wild Bill's Poker Roundup!"

Seriously, instead of telling me “yeah, I deleted that Spyware you installed,” just reach over and punch me in the face every time I compliment you; it’ll achieve the same thing. I realize that the Spyware keeps you from going to certain websites, but THAT’S A GOOD THING! If it’s blocking the site, then that site was probably slowing your computer down or putting bad stuff on it. Leave the Spyware on and find another site to play games on.


4.)If you knew how to fix it, you wouldn’t have called me – I cannot count how many times I or a fellow GWGWC kept getting delayed in our repair process by dumbasses who decided that they totally know how to fix it. If you have called me, I assume that means you have exhausted all of your known techniques and are now looking for a fresh pair of eyes and a few new tricks to use on it. So, when I’m working on your computer, don’t start laying down a bunch of technical lingo that you think makes you sound smarter. Much like speaking a foreign language out of a Monty Python translation book, you likely have no idea what you are saying, and just look like an ass. Also, if you wish to live, do NOT press the power button while I’m working. I will snap your arm off and beat you with the wet end. And don’t give me some lame excuse like “there were lots of words and stuff on the screen, so I turned off the computer” when I come back from the bathroom and find that you shut off the computer in the middle of my repair. This is the equivalent of “the car was making a funny sound, so I drove it into a tree.”

"I just don't understand why it won't work..."

5.)Future computer problems are not automatically my fault – I hate spending time cleaning up a computer, getting paid nothing for it, and then getting bitched at a month later because “you did X and now my computer’s all messed up!” It is your computer, and you know who’s been on it. Yelling at me for something I did over a month ago will do nothing except make me imagine slamming your dick in your own laptop. There is no possible way for me to have messed up your computer, especially if all I did was clean it up and install some Spyware. In fact, your computer is probably messed up again because YOU uninstalled the anti-virus stuff I put on there! Now, I admit that *Gasp!* I am human and may have missed something, but do not automatically assume that any future computer problems are the fault of TGWGWC, because typically they’re not. Constantly accusing TGWGWC of “doing something that messed it up” is a good way to cause this reply:

“Ok. Now, this is going to seem like an odd request, but for this next step, I'm going to need you to take out your dick, and lay it on your laptop's keyboard."

"Anywhere around the "G" key will do just fine."

Please keep this handy list nearby in case you ever find the need to utilize your friendly neighborhood GWGWC, as it will make both of your lives so much easier. In fact, just be nice to TGWGWC, because they are taking time out of their day to fix your monumental fuck-up, and have likely cancelled all of their plans for the day. At the very least, buy them dinner for all of their help. It’s just good manners, and it keeps TGWGWC from telling all his fellow TGWGWC members not to help you because you’re an annoying little bitch. And, just because I like you, here’s a little bonus rule:

6.)“Wipe” means “EVERYTHING” – sometimes a computer is just at the point of no return. It is a terrible truth, but a truth nonetheless. When TGWGWC recommends a full wipe of the hard drive, they have exhausted every other option and are absolutely certain that there is no other solution, so please consider it very carefully when they suggest it. When this happens, or to prevent it from happening, you will need to back up all of your files. Otherwise, make no mistake, YOU WILL LOSE ALL OF YOUR FILES!!!!!! So, to prevent that from happening, I’m going to teach you how to back up files. First, get an external hard drive:

It looks like this. It can be found at Staples.

Second, plug it into the USB port of your computer/laptop:

Like so.

Third, initialize the back-up:

Some can even be set to automatically back up, WOWZERS!!!

“Wow, Byrddog!!! That was so easy!!!”

I know, right?! Now that you know how to do this, in the future, when your computer slows down, all you have to do is –

“Don’t give me the techno mumbo-jumbo, just fix it!”

. . .

*PUNCH IN THE FACE*

On the topic of blasphemy...

Before I begin this commentary, I would like to clarify that this post was not created for the encouragement of perverting sacred and religious items, people, quotes, or ideals. There will be no encouragement of robbing the offering plate, recommendations of pissing on Buddah statues, or claims that Keanu Reeves is the most multi-dimensional actor who ever lived (Well, from me, at least because I certainly can't speak for my two or three readers out there.). That being said, I have been thinking a lot about blasphemy lately.

No, I have no desire to graffeti a statue of Jesus with my feces (although statues of Lot are fair game for me, but that is a completely different story), I am just curious about what we, as humans with some education on the subject of religion, consider to be "blasphemous". This specific thought came to mind after completing an assignment for my costume class where we were asked to choose an emotionally-charged word and design a costume around it. We would then all gawk at each others' drawings, fumble around for words to describe how we "feel" about it, then be overtaken with dread as the group inched ever closer to our own drawing.

Once they came to my drawing (which depicted blasphemy, obviously), and after my ego was suitably stroked and my gut-wrenching fears allayed, people began to comment on how to enhance the drawing to further depict my word. I was surprised with how many suggestions sounded more goth-like to my ears. A spiked collar, or a converse with pentagrams doesn't sound blasphemous to me because I don't perceive a Converse as sacred (although the tween group that worships Converse Sneakers may disagree with me on that, but that's fine because we all know that tweens are not people but meat sacks full of nothing but hormones).

So, I began to wonder, what does blasphemy mean to me? In my drawing, it took the form of a sexy nun with an upside-down cross on her slinky dress, but I could still think of some other examples of it. Printing Bible verses on toilet paper, for example, seems pretty blasphemous to me. It would, however, make for some fun conversation:

"Honey, I need some toilet paper."

"Well, we have Acts, Genesis, Matthew, Revelations-"

"Yeah, well, I kinda had Mexican food for lunch, so..."

"Oh! Then you want Exodus!"

*Side note: I call dibs on the copyrights idea because I am very seriously considering starting a chain of Houswear items specifically for atheists, not because I am in any way atheistically-inclined, but because I know that "trend" atheists will rush to own anything with a clever little quip that gives them a holier-than-thou feeling over the stupid religious folk. On that note, do atheists get "holier-than-thou" feelings? I thought the whole purpose of atheism was to be UNholier-than-thou...so, what do they call it when an atheist is having overly and undeserved smug feelings of superiority?

Back to the original topic, though, it really does surprise me how different my view of blasphemy is. Does anyone else feel the way I do about it? Why do people associate gothic-style with blasphemy? Why do we tolerate certain levels of blasphemy for the sake of art? Would we be so tolerant if the blasphemy was OF art? I mean, nobody's even TRIED to kill Keanu Reeves yet...

Today in Weather...

Search and rescue teams are working at a furious pace to rescue the people stuck in the flooding caused by Hurricane Irene. We here at ByrddogNews applaud their valiant efforts and wish them luck in their rescue attempts. We certainly know that they would rater be home with their families.

We would also like to wish the poor souls trapped in the waters a safe return from the water. As the rescue teams work tirelessly to safe them, we hope that they were trapped performing absolutely imperative tasks such as swimming, surfing, and skateboarding: noble pursuits that any person would risk life and limb to pursue. We know for a fact that the rescue workers are more than happy to leave their family at home to rescue such noble and brave thrill-seekers. This reporter, for instance, is more than happy to pay out her college fund in order to fund these rescue attempts. Yes, the money was needed to pay for college, but I believe that the safety of these prime examples of Darwinism is far more important.

And as to the allegations that "these dumbasses deserve to be left out there for doing such stupid shit in the middle of a hurricane," I say shame on you all! The art of thrill-seeking has been a noble and just pursuit ever since Biblical times, when brave souls played dodgeball at Sodom and Gomorrah. Anyone who believes that such noble and brave souls should not be rewarded for their efforts by tax-funded rescues is not only wrong, they're a communist.

And that's the weather today.

Random thought

I wonder how confusing phone sex would've been during the days of the telegraph.

"Harder STOP Deeper STOP Don't stop STOP"

This week at Meredith

Here's what's happening in news today:

The opera "HMS PINAFORE" shall be premiering at Meredith College tonight at 8 amid great excitement amongst the cast, crew, students, and people who still haven't figured out what the hell "HMS" stands for. In a related story, scenic designer, builder, and all-around superman Curt Tomczyk was found under his desk in the fetal position today by two freshman who promptly and decisively panicked. We here at FaceBook News wish them all a speedy recovery.

In other news, Meredith students, especially freshmen, are returning to their homes for the weekend both to recover from the traumatic earthquake incident here on campus, and to prepare (freak out) for the upcoming rain. In a related story, Meredith College is encouraging all students to sign up to receive MC Alert texts and e-mails. So far, student response has overwhelming as the few student with common sense demand to know why, with all the personal information Meredith College demands from us upon initial registration, the college is unable to simply automatically place its students on the MC Alert list.

In other news, research has found that Stephanie has far too much free time on her hands. Scientists recommend that she either be placed back in the scene shop with mountains of work to do, or put in a room like a mattress with a jacket that makes her hug herself. Students have been flooding the polls with their votes, along with the one or two male voters who stated that she should be in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant, then promptly chuckled to themselves for that bit of original humor. They then returned to their mothers' basements to masturbate and cry.

In other news, the Belk Dining Hall is serving fish and chips. Students everywhere are rejoicing with music and dancing, as well as banners proclaiming "It doesn't suck!!!" and "It's edible!!!" We would like to congratulate Belk Dining Hall, though we wonder why they cannot make all of their food edible, so that we don't have to spend textbook money on McDonald's and CookOut.

In more entertainment news, LeGrand Smith and Angel Skye, epic costume designers for "HMS PINAFORE" have announced that they have recovered from their massive stress anxiety. They wish to thank all Meredith students, especially our readers, for their well-wishes. We here at FaceBook news wish to announce that we are pleased with their recovery and cannot wait to have them back.

In other news, rehearsals for "The Tempest" began this week, though were slightly modified due to "HMS PINAFORE" rehearsals. Stage manager Meredith Davis reports that rehearsals with the full company shall begin this Monday, August 29 at 7PM. When reached for a statement, director Steven Roten was quoted as saying "Babida-GHEE!!!" Our translators have yet to figure out the meaning behind that statement.

Stay tuned for more on what's happening around campus, as we here at FaceBook News strive to keep you up to date!