The Rules of Tech Support

I’m going to start this topic by saying that I am not a computer genius. Surprisingly, a lot of people think that I am. I have been known to speed up computers, clean up memories, and leap tall external hard drives in a single bound. Therefore, I have been placed in the category of “The Guy Who’s Good With Computers”, when in reality, I’m just the person who bothers to look up the error messages my computer gives me. Also, my “speeding up” skills mostly amount to knowing where the disk cleanup and defragmenter icons are on my start menu. Regardless of the fact that all of my “repairs” are quite simple and can be done by anyone, I still occasionally get asked to “fix my computer”. Now that I have established the fact that I am not, in fact, a super-genius when it comes to computers, I happen to know a few REAL computer geniuses. I love them very much, and deeply appreciate what they do and their advice when my basic repairs occasionally don’t do the job. Unfortunately, other dimwitted bastards have somehow convinced themselves that TGWGWC and The Guy Who’s REALLY Good With Computers can wave a magic wand and fix everything without any effort from all parties involved. I wish to try and debunk that myth, as actual computer repair can be tedious and frustrating. So, for your education, here’s a list of things you are NOT allowed to do when someone is taking time out of their day to fix your computer.

1.)Answer all questions – when TGWGWC asks you “What were you doing when the problem occurred?” they are NOT accusing you of anything, so please just answer them. They are not going to call the police because you downloaded Bonzi Buddy, they are not going to run you through with a spear because you never clean up your hard drive, they may raise an eyebrow at your porn habits, but as long as it doesn’t involve children, they really don’t care.

"You downloaded Weatherbug? ...YOU BASTARD!!!!!"

Please don’t answer with “I wasn’t doing anything!” just tell the nice computer guy what you were doing, it will make the repair process so much faster.

2.)“Just fix it!” is not an answer – the great thing about TGWGWC is that once they find the problem, they can usually give you handy advice to keep the problem from happening again. Please listen to this advice. If used correctly, it can keep TGWGWC from coming to your house fifteen times to fix the same problem. They don’t have to deal with you, you don’t have to answer the same awkward questions every time, everybody wins! So, when TGWGWC starts to tell you how to avoid the problem in the future, do NOT answer with “Don’t give me the techno mumbo-jumbo, just fix it!” This will make me hate you, and I will stop fixing your computer after the third time.

"THERE!!! I fixed it!!!"

3.)Do NOT remove Spyware, it is there for a reason – if TGWGWC really likes you, or if it’s just the first time they’ve fixed your computer, they may install some form of Spyware on your computer. This is the sweetest thing a computer techie can possibly do, and deleting that Spyware after is like Jim from The Gift of the Magi spitting and stomping on the watch chain Della gave him for Christmas.

"But, honey, it kept me from playing Wild Bill's Poker Roundup!"

Seriously, instead of telling me “yeah, I deleted that Spyware you installed,” just reach over and punch me in the face every time I compliment you; it’ll achieve the same thing. I realize that the Spyware keeps you from going to certain websites, but THAT’S A GOOD THING! If it’s blocking the site, then that site was probably slowing your computer down or putting bad stuff on it. Leave the Spyware on and find another site to play games on.


4.)If you knew how to fix it, you wouldn’t have called me – I cannot count how many times I or a fellow GWGWC kept getting delayed in our repair process by dumbasses who decided that they totally know how to fix it. If you have called me, I assume that means you have exhausted all of your known techniques and are now looking for a fresh pair of eyes and a few new tricks to use on it. So, when I’m working on your computer, don’t start laying down a bunch of technical lingo that you think makes you sound smarter. Much like speaking a foreign language out of a Monty Python translation book, you likely have no idea what you are saying, and just look like an ass. Also, if you wish to live, do NOT press the power button while I’m working. I will snap your arm off and beat you with the wet end. And don’t give me some lame excuse like “there were lots of words and stuff on the screen, so I turned off the computer” when I come back from the bathroom and find that you shut off the computer in the middle of my repair. This is the equivalent of “the car was making a funny sound, so I drove it into a tree.”

"I just don't understand why it won't work..."

5.)Future computer problems are not automatically my fault – I hate spending time cleaning up a computer, getting paid nothing for it, and then getting bitched at a month later because “you did X and now my computer’s all messed up!” It is your computer, and you know who’s been on it. Yelling at me for something I did over a month ago will do nothing except make me imagine slamming your dick in your own laptop. There is no possible way for me to have messed up your computer, especially if all I did was clean it up and install some Spyware. In fact, your computer is probably messed up again because YOU uninstalled the anti-virus stuff I put on there! Now, I admit that *Gasp!* I am human and may have missed something, but do not automatically assume that any future computer problems are the fault of TGWGWC, because typically they’re not. Constantly accusing TGWGWC of “doing something that messed it up” is a good way to cause this reply:

“Ok. Now, this is going to seem like an odd request, but for this next step, I'm going to need you to take out your dick, and lay it on your laptop's keyboard."

"Anywhere around the "G" key will do just fine."

Please keep this handy list nearby in case you ever find the need to utilize your friendly neighborhood GWGWC, as it will make both of your lives so much easier. In fact, just be nice to TGWGWC, because they are taking time out of their day to fix your monumental fuck-up, and have likely cancelled all of their plans for the day. At the very least, buy them dinner for all of their help. It’s just good manners, and it keeps TGWGWC from telling all his fellow TGWGWC members not to help you because you’re an annoying little bitch. And, just because I like you, here’s a little bonus rule:

6.)“Wipe” means “EVERYTHING” – sometimes a computer is just at the point of no return. It is a terrible truth, but a truth nonetheless. When TGWGWC recommends a full wipe of the hard drive, they have exhausted every other option and are absolutely certain that there is no other solution, so please consider it very carefully when they suggest it. When this happens, or to prevent it from happening, you will need to back up all of your files. Otherwise, make no mistake, YOU WILL LOSE ALL OF YOUR FILES!!!!!! So, to prevent that from happening, I’m going to teach you how to back up files. First, get an external hard drive:

It looks like this. It can be found at Staples.

Second, plug it into the USB port of your computer/laptop:

Like so.

Third, initialize the back-up:

Some can even be set to automatically back up, WOWZERS!!!

“Wow, Byrddog!!! That was so easy!!!”

I know, right?! Now that you know how to do this, in the future, when your computer slows down, all you have to do is –

“Don’t give me the techno mumbo-jumbo, just fix it!”

. . .

*PUNCH IN THE FACE*